Weekly Jokes ~ Booster Banter

Welcome to Alberta! Winter is at 6 a.m., Spring starts at 10 a.m., Summer is at 2 p.m., and Fall starts around 4:30ish. Dress accordingly.

Bri-ish people don’t pronounce the “T” because they drank it all.

I don’t know whose dog needs to hear this, but just because it crinkles doesn’t mean it’s your snack.

I don’t know why we stopped doing Show and Tell after Kindergarten. All my stuff is so much cooler now.

The fact that there’s a highway to Hell and a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

I always carry my wife’s picture with me in my wallet. It helps remind me why there’s no money in there.

Raising kids is like being constantly surrounded by a tiny sales team. They’re always trying to persuade you into doing or buying something. And they assume everything you say is just an opening offer.

I was going to start dieting, but Thanksgiving is coming up, then Halloween candy and then Christmas. Before you know it, it’s barbecue season again and I’m not about to turn down a cheeseburger!

Scientists recently conducted an experiment by placing a 10-piece set of matching Tupperware in a sealed chamber. When they opened it a month later, the chamber had 24 lids that did not match any of the six remaining containers.

My wife: “Have the kids been acting weird today?”
Me: “I don’t think it’s an act.”

Teacher: “Your son said you threatened to beat him?”
Me: “At Checkers!”
Teacher: “And forced him to sleep outside?”
Me: “We were camping!”
Teacher: “And made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your Snickers bar?”
Me: “Yeah … that one I did …”

The Domestication of Dogs
Wolf: “I’m going to eat your babies!”
Human: “But what if, instead of that, I offered you a soft pillow and some Beggin’ Strips?”
Wolf: “I’m listening … tell me more.”

 

An old man wants a job, but the boss won’t hire him until he passes a little math test.
“Here is your first question,” the boss says. “Without using numbers, represent the number nine.”
“Without numbers?” the old man asks. “That’s easy.” And he proceeds to draw three trees.
“What is this?” asks the boss.
“You don’t have a brain? Tree plus tree plus tree makes nine,” says the old man.
“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”
The old man stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree, and hands it back.
The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth does that represent 99?”
“Each of the trees is dirty now. So it’s dirty tree plus dirty tree plus dirty tree. It’s 99.”
“Okay, last question,” says the boss. “Again, the same rules, but represent the number 100.”
The old man stares into space again. Then he picks up the picture, makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and hands it back.
The boss looks at the picture. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”
The old man leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, “A little dog came along and did his business by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, plus dirty tree and a turd, plus dirty tree and a turd, which makes 100.”