Gift of authenticity

Thirty-one years ago, I met 43 people for the first time–39 other students and four faculty members in a two-year master’s degree program. Of those, 37 of us graduated in 1995. That group has been meeting once a year ever since. Last weekend was our 29th reunion.

Twenty-nine years ago, our ages ranged from 28 to 54. Now our ages range from 57 to 82.

Three students had babies during our two-year program. Those babies are now adults.

Then, we were fully engaged with career, family and attempts at work-life balance. Now we talk about “being” as much as “doing.”

Back then, we were attending weddings and baby showers. Now we’re attending retirement parties and funerals.

Over the years, more than twenty groups graduated from the two-year program. Ours is the only group that has continued to maintain contact.

We had a conversation about what made this group different–with the added perspective of having with us two faculty members including the program founder.

Two factors seemed important.

What brought us together in the first place was a desire to learn. Most of us wanted to learn things that would further our professional growth. During our program, we were taught that “learning” encompasses personal as well as professional; inner as well as outer; and physical, emotional, mental and spiritual dimensions.

It was impossible to limit ourselves to career-related learning. We had to demonstrate that our learning was integral to all aspects of our lives.

That desire for multi-dimensional learning also helped make authenticity possible. We got used to asking, “What have I learned about myself?” “What patterns are we noticing?” “What does this mean?” “How can we apply this in other circumstances?”

In contrast to the last high school reunion I attended, I wasn’t worried about looking good! As near as I could tell, that was a pattern.

Some of us were in a good space, mostly having a wonderful life. Almost three decades after we graduated, we had newfound freedom, financial security, happy long-term relationships. We’d experienced lifelong dreams of travel and adventure.

On the other hand, some of us were in difficult times. We’d had career or business failures, depression, financial losses, turbulent or ending relationships, health challenges, heavy caregiver responsibilities.

What seemed remarkable is that, as a group, we did not try to pretend anything was better or worse than it was. We are the way we are.

During our two years together, we were not always good at listening. Since then, we have learned to listen. We listen in silence, listen without judgment, listen without giving advice or trying to fix anyone. We have learned just to listen with our whole minds and hearts.

That creates a climate of safety in which we can speak what is our truth. Sometimes we discover our truth because of such deep listening. A few people commented that this is the only group in which they feel that degree of safety.
Deep listening made authenticity possible.

As befits a group in a Whole System Design program, both the setting and the processes we used during our reunion were designed intentionally to create an environment in which each of us would gain what was most important to us while we were together.

It worked! Of course, it helps that we have known each other for thirty-one years. Possibly we are all 31 years wiser!

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So–what are circumstances that help you feel safe enough to be authentic? What enables you to listen deeply, and create safety for others to be authentic? I’ve learned those are useful questions.

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